England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, 'My God, you're… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
