Witty Quotes

2578 quotes by 687 authors

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. — Bill Cosby
I have never been hurt by what I have not said. — Calvin Coolidge
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. — Rob Corddry
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your… — Bill Cosby
Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade. — Noel Coward
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. — E E Cummings
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily… — Salvador Dali
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad. — Salvador Dali
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. — Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my… — Rodney Dangerfield
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. — Clarence Darrow
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant… — Clarence Darrow
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. — Bette Davis
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. — Jim Davis
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. — Les Dawson
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. — Ellen DeGeneres
Each problem that I solved became a rule, which served afterwards to solve other problems. — Rene Descartes
He would make a lovely corpse. — Charles Dickens
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. — Angie Dickinson

Who Wrote These Witty Quotes

687 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: