Witty Quotes

2578 quotes by 687 authors

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. — Marlene Dietrich
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? — Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. — Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. — Walt Disney
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. — Benjamin Disraeli
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. — Benjamin Disraeli
When nothing is sure, everything is possible. — Margaret Drabble
There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. — Peter Drucker
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course. — Peter Drucker
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. — Will Durant
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. — Jimmy Durante
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to… — Umberto Eco
A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that… — Umberto Eco
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. — Thomas A. Edison
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. — Thomas A. Edison
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. — Paul R. Ehrlich
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an… — Albert Einstein
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. — Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. — Albert Einstein

Who Wrote These Witty Quotes

687 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: