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Too Quotes by Jack Handey
- I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get…
- I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they…
- Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around…
- Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
- If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and let your hostages laugh too, because come on…
- Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because…
- If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also…
- Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I…
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.…
- When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
- Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people…
- Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
- If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a…
- When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
- I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not…
- The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much,…
- Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked…
- The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old…
- Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go…
- When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too…
More Too Quotes
- I love working with the right actor, and if the right actor happens to be unknown, that should be allowed, too, I… — J. J. Abrams
- For one swallow does not make a summer, nor does one day; and so too one day, or a short time, does… — Aristotle
- The gods too are fond of a joke. — Aristotle
- Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or… — Richard Armour
- I think when you're 10 years old, it's too much to see something with the threat of death in every episode. Kids… — J. J. Abrams
- There are some forms of religion that are bad, just as there's bad cooking or bad art or bad sex, you have… — Karen Armstrong
- Science has not yet mastered prophecy. We predict too much for the next year and yet far too little for the next… — Neil Armstrong
- Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be lost under the burden of juvenile folly… — Isaac Asimov
- Between you and me, I think that may be one of the things that will help with the collaboration, because there are… — Robert Asprin
- It's risky in a marriage for a man to come home too late, but it can sometimes pose an even greater risk… — Marcel Achard
- The Span of Life is too short to be trifled away in unconcerning and unprofitable Matters. — Mary Astell
- The clear problem of the outlawing of insult is that too many things can be interpreted as such. Criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, merely… — Rowan Atkinson