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Make Quotes by Jack Handey
- I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get…
- I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with…
- If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and…
- If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How…
- If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think…
- I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be…
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his…
- You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe…
- Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make…
- Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
- You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water…
- If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once…
- I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."
- A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet,…
- If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or…
- Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and…
- How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look…
- Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
- If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at…
- If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just…
- I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could…
- Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked…
- When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs…
- I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be…
- If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you…
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