« All Funny Quotes · Rodney Dangerfield's Page
Funny Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
- I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
- When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything…
- A hooker once told me she had a headache.
- She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
- Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
- When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
- Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender…
- Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with…
- My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
- Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
- The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
- Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
- At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
- I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
- I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
- I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
- I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my…
- Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
- I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading…
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
More Ways to Read Funny Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin