Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

185 quotes in 1649 categories

• I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
• What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
• I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
• Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
• My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk…
• I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he…
• My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches…
• I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
• You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
• I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
• When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
• I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
• Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody…
• When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything…
• It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
• I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my…
• I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

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