Best Rodney Dangerfield Lines
- With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! Each
- I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Attacked
- Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Acting
- I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a… Bartender
- My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Born
- My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Chair
- We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Apart
- What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Arm
- I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. Cigarette
- My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Came
- My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Funny
- My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Coming
- When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Cat
- I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Ask
- If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. All
- My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Breast
- Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Call
- With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter… Best
- I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Cheat
- My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Boyfriend
- What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Bee
- At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform… Age
- One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. Asked
- My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. All
- Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. Action
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