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My Wife Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
- My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
- I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
- Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody…
- My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
- My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
- My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
- My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
- One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to…
- I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
- Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
- It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
- My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
- With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
- I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a…
- My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
- My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
- With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter…
- I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
- What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
- My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
- My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her…
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More My Wife Quotes
- In everyday life, my wife is the most wonderful. We're in love with each other beyond belief. — Christian Bale
- I am a quick study - I can memorize a script in an hour - but I can't remember a name three… — Don Adams
- I was married awfully young and I felt trapped. My wife had been divorced and all the time we were married we… — Don Adams
- My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. — John Barrymore
- My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere. — John Barrymore
- My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to… — Jack Benny
- My wife was delighted with the home I had given her amid the prairies of the far west. — Buffalo Bill
- I felt rich when I was 20 years old and my wife was paying my bills. Just being in a band, I've… — Bono
- U2 was involved in Live Aid, and I ended up going to Ethiopia and working there for some time with my wife,… — Bono
- I think any man who lets a woman pick what he should wear... I mean, you gotta draw the line somewhere as… — Tom Brady
- I'm constantly falling deeper in love with my wife. — Jeff Bridges
- My wife holds the kite strings that let me go 'weeeeeee', then she reels me back in. — Jeff Bridges