Best Rodney Dangerfield Words
- I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Favourite
- I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Alcohol
- I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Honest
- A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Amusing
- My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Calendar
- I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Comedy
- I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Dysfunctional Family
- I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Coming
- I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Broke
- This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Fruit
- I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my… Age
- My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Afraid
- It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Couple
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Always Found
- Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Bartender
- I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading… Asleep
- I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Brown
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Dad
- When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Beauty
- I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Feed
- I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Another Hand
- My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Ben
- On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. Fun
- My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. Car
- I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Bath
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