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Better Quotes by Jack Handey
- If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
- It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
- Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring…
- Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going…
- If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and…
- When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me,…
- I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try…
- To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next…
- Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
- Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
- The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much,…
- I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call…
- Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
- If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
- Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth…
- Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better…
- Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers…
More Better Quotes
- I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or… — Pietro Aretino
- Why, I'd like nothing better than to achieve some bold adventure, worthy of our trip. — Aristophanes
- If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is nature's way. — Aristotle
- It is clearly better that property should be private, but the use of it common; and the special business of the legislator… — Aristotle
- Making mistakes is a lot better than not doing anything. — Billie Joe Armstrong
- I think when you're 10 years old, it's too much to see something with the threat of death in every episode. Kids… — J. J. Abrams
- Ever since the Crusades, when Christians from western Europe were fighting holy wars against Muslims in the near east, western people have… — Karen Armstrong
- The power of one, if fearless and focused, is formidable, but the power of many working together is better. — Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
- Suppose that we are wise enough to learn and know - and yet not wise enough to control our learning and knowledge,… — Isaac Asimov
- I can scarcely manage to scribble a tolerable English letter. I know that I am not a scholar, but meantime I am… — John James Audubon
- God judged it better to bring good out of evil than to suffer no evil to exist. — Saint Augustine
- Anything in any way beautiful derives its beauty from itself and asks nothing beyond itself. Praise is no part of it, for… — Marcus Aurelius