W.C. Fields Quotes

195 quotes in 1650 categories

• Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance,…
• The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
• Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
• I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
• I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
• How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on…
• Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
• Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened…
• I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
• All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
• I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
• Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
• Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
• I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
• It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.
• I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
• The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
• I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
• When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
• I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

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