Best Jon Stewart Lines
- If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out. Grand
- Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It's all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we… Able
- Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community… Animal
- The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame. Avoid
- Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. Dicaprio
- Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one… Bingo
- I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who likes other men… Along
- A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking. Guy
- I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed… Celebrated
- I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. Anybody
- We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq.… Been
- Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. Greatest
- Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. Able
- The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. Classroom
- Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. America
- I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. Always Gotten
- There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours… Argue
- You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on… Career
- I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. Advantage
- Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. Dad
- I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or… Amusement
- I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. Always Liked
- I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. Born
- I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. Adult
- If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. Counter
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