All Jon Stewart Quotes
- Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and… Britain
- A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' Adding
- I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' Debate
- I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. Academy
- If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. Handle
- McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. Death
- More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know… Attended
- Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna… Action
- If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us… American
- If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting… Amber
- Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army,… Actually Tell
- Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a… Balance
- President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who… American
- The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private… Achievement
- The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events.… Carry
- There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart… Comedy
- Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so… Advantage
- Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight!… America
- Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. Advice
- Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. Absurd
- If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? Absurd
- By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams. Bottle
- You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. Ago
- Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as… Been
- Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting… Articles