Jon Stewart Quotes

231 quotes in 3320 categories

• Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I…
• I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".
• The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
• Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they…
• Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.
• Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh,…
• Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you…
• I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.
• The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'
• Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?
• I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.
• A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever.…
• Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a…
• This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping…
• Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?
• Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.…
• The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the…
• It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are…
• Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid…
• Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately…

Browse Jon Stewart Quotes by Category