Jon Stewart Quotes
231 quotes
in 3320 categories
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Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I…
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I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".
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The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
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Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they…
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Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.
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Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh,…
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Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you…
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I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.
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The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'
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Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?
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I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.
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A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever.…
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Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a…
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This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping…
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Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?
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Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.…
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The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the…
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It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are…
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Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid…
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Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately…
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