Best Jim Gaffigan Sayings
- Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend. Anyone
- Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen. Birthday
- I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours… Always Seem
- “Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are… Bowling
- Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you. Correct
- Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and… Bar
- When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause. Applause
- In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been… Been
- You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.'… Ah
- Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying. Fatherhood
- You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. Bacon
- What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment? Disappointment
- I come from a very big family... nine parents. Big
- One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied. Benefits
- Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’… Attractive
- Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have… Appetizer
- Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby. Baby
- I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene. Bald
- Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad. Bad
- I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. Comedian
- No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much. Frustration
- I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in… Always Brings
- I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. Initially
- I just want to be known as funny. Funny
- I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan. Animal