All Jim Gaffigan Quotes
- Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am… Christmas
- Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community. Bacon
- There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'. Children
- Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. Always Think
- Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane. Bed
- Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent. Dad
- Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January. Day
- It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass. Ass
- Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just… Annoy
- Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. Hours
- There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go… All
- If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house? Always Trying
- I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. Addictive
- People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling… Antidepressant
- I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. Acting
- You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither. Book
- My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.' Calls
- But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the… Amazing
- No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending… Attending
- Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. Attend