« All Inspirational Quotes · Jim Gaffigan's Page
Inspirational Quotes by Jim Gaffigan
- Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
- I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
- You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
- I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
- Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
- I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me,
- You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
- You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside...
- Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.
- All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.
- Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.
- My new years resolution? I will be less laz...
- Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
- Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
- Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
- You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.'…
- You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
- What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
- I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
- Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
- I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.
- I just want to be known as funny.
- I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
- I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only…
More Inspirational Quotes
- This is the precept by which I have lived: Prepare for the worst; expect the best; and take what comes. — Hannah Arendt
- There are no dangerous thoughts; thinking itself is dangerous. — Hannah Arendt
- Storytelling reveals meaning without committing the error of defining it. — Hannah Arendt
- By its very nature the beautiful is isolated from everything else. From beauty no road leads to reality. — Hannah Arendt
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- Action without a name, a who attached to it, is meaningless. — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore… — Pietro Aretino
- Perugia is my true fatherland because there I grew to manhood. — Pietro Aretino
- I want to do what I want when I want to do it not be dictated to by audiences. — Dario Argento
- I went through a phase where I thought nostalgia was a bad thing. — Dario Argento
- In Italy the censor is very old and there are many judges and psychiatrists who analyse you. — Dario Argento