Best Jim Gaffigan Quotes
- Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box,… Box
- What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and… Behind
- There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. Diarrhea
- How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of… Belt
- Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best? Best
- Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us? Annoy
- It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.' Ago
- I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me, Children
- How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water. Americans
- You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read? Don T
- You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside... Addicted
- Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod. Baxter
- I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. Â And I need the energy if I'm… Blowin
- All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it. All
- Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. Assignments
- Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause. Applause
- But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we… Best
- Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a… Across
- Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. Elton
- The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal. Advantage
- The Thanksgiving tradition is, we gorge. Hey, what about at Thanksgiving we simply consume a considerable measure? However we do that consistently! Goodness. Imagine a… Considerable
- My new years resolution? I will be less laz... Funny
- I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. From
- Once you put bacon in a salad, it's no longer a salad. It just becomes a game of 'find the bacon in the lettuce'. It's… Bacon
- Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. All