“A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the morning. After all, people often call… — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“I have no problem overcoming the butterflies in my stomach. Of course, neither do the fish I thought I caught with my… — Jarod Kintz Butterflies in my stomach Copy Share Image
“It occurs to me to devise mental tests on myself to see if I am who I think I am, but then… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ducks give me eggs, and I took two of those eggs and nurtured them under a dome to produce two ducklings.… — Jarod Kintz Duck Copy Share Image
“The patrons aren’t patronizing the store, and it’s not just the economy that’s keeping them out—it’s that nobody here likes to be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just… — Jarod Kintz Bank robbery Copy Share Image
“It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have thin lips, like two rose petals on top of each other, and I would say I have a Roman nose,… — Jarod Kintz Rose petals Copy Share Image
“Vacation, I go there in my mind. Especially when I’m at work, getting paid for it.” — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Looking at you in a mirror makes you more of an ally than an opponent, because I’m standing next to you, rather… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.” — Jarod Kintz Divorce Copy Share Image
“The shirt I have on today is the color of a banana, and tomorrow’s shirt will also be the color of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would wash my clothes in the aquarium, but there’s a shark in the tank, and a bloodstain on my shirt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday I went to see a doctor. I woke up with a sore throat, congested sinuses, and invisibility. But when I got… — Jarod Kintz Sore throat Copy Share Image
“I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.” — Jarod Kintz Financial advisor Copy Share Image
“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the… — Jarod Kintz Broken marriage Copy Share Image
