“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“When he misbehaves, I’ll clap and then point at my cat, as if transmitting the sting of the slap towards him in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She’s ultra conservative, while I am ultraviolet. I would show, but I’m beyond what anybody can see. I made her look like… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The great news is I drive like a woman. The bad news is that it’s only when I’m wearing a dress.” — Jarod Kintz Bad news Copy Share Image
“I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father,… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“There are 365 days in a year, and 360 degrees in a circle. Coincidence? I think not. Really, I didn’t think, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve had 24 girlfriends in my life, and all of them occurred in the same two-day evening.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“I started out on a treadmill—and I just did my first marathon. And all while sitting in a wheelchair. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The punctuation mark that best describes me as a person is the dash. But for Mark Question, it would probably be the… — Jarod Kintz Question mark Copy Share Image
“After dinner I wanted to talk to her about buying a clone. But that’s probably just too much for her to handle,… — Jarod Kintz Creativity Copy Share Image
“It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.” — Jarod Kintz Handle the truth Copy Share Image
“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Do or don’t, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not a king, but you can call me His Royal Hoorayness. If you did that, I’d be excited enough to deserve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is… — Jarod Kintz Habits Copy Share Image
“I just weighed myself, and I thought I weighed 165, but it turns out I weigh 180. Wow! I’ve put on muscle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
