“Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to hold you back. That’s what the chains affixed to the wall are for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the 48 hours following my discovery of her infidelity, I found out she’d been with three other guys—two of them being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“The temperature in the room seems to have gone up about ten degrees. My armpits are sweating and I notice myself vigorously… — Jarod Kintz Bank account Copy Share Image
“I have two mustaches, one over each eye. They smell like tits and ass, because that’s all I enjoy drinking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Quaqua—the sound one’s soul squeals when seducing one’s own clown. (Not to be heard until a future date.)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead… — Jarod Kintz Clock is ticking Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on… — Jarod Kintz Personal experience Copy Share Image
“The man who pulled my winning raffle ticket out of the hat said I was one lucky guy. I guess he didn’t… — Jarod Kintz Lucky guy Copy Share Image
“He said he had an English degree, and I said, “I’m sorry to hear you’re jobless.” I need to network with people… — Jarod Kintz Romantic poetry Copy Share Image
“An elephant trunk is a metaphor for a penis. But not just any penis—my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She told me she has her eye on me, so I said, And what do you have your other eye on?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Wooden scrabble letters offer a whole forest of literature, tiled down for easy shower installment. If you limit your use to only… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
