“I’ve decided to cut back on my sugar intake by applying it externally, as a dermal abrasion.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to catch a hippopotamus. But you try it out first, and let me know if it works. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt. — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I don’t need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning… — Jarod Kintz Warning Label Copy Share Image
“I just invented a new light that shuts off automatically when an ugly person walks in the room. Guaranteed to help them… — Jarod Kintz Darkness Copy Share Image
“I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.” — Jarod Kintz Teamwork Copy Share Image
“The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.” — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others' solitude, I'd have finally have met a man with… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A book is a vacation for the mind. My books will take you inside my mind, so feel free to make yourself… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is the only reason you get out of bed because you can’t sleep anymore? I’m like that sometimes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A uniform is like a paint job on a person. I like women who drive cars that are painted like Catholic school… — Jarod Kintz School girl Copy Share Image
“-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Water is nearly invisible. So is my love. Drink it in, but don’t choke on it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Dear Mr. Peacock, I miss your plumage, and I’m flummoxed by your plummeting desire to be desired. You’re like an albino in… — Jarod Kintz Dwell on the past Copy Share Image
“The institution asked me to speak and say a few words. So, knowing a few is three, I said, I love you.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“At the beginning of their return trip home, fishermen might label their fish with a simple fish line drawing. But once that… — Jarod Kintz Smiley face Copy Share Image
“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.” — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
