“People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and… — Jarod Kintz Sports Copy Share Image
“Criminals should be hung like championship banners—proudly, and in an effort to sell tickets.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“Thor pushes the empty wheelbarrow by me and I decide to say something. “Wheelbarrows are great, huh? They make even the lightest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The one benefit of Alzheimer’s is that you can keep giving them the same gift over and over, and it’s always such… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember:… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Every time I see a train, I think of robbing it. Like a Wild West cowboy, I’m out to steal and collect… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were playing table tennis, which angered my family because they were trying to enjoy their… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body,… — Jarod Kintz Grand canyon Copy Share Image
“If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.” — Jarod Kintz Washington dc Copy Share Image
“Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.” — Jarod Kintz Fruits and vegetables Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a train. But I’ve got a better way to stop a speeding train. Stand firmly… — Jarod Kintz Better way Copy Share Image
“In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and… — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“Funerals, Coffins, and Death. It’s not just a way of life; it’s also for breakfast. Yes, that is the new cereal I’m… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
