“I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“I could inject a brick in each of my butt cheeks and then be like ancient Greece: a ruin. Only, I’d ask… — Jarod Kintz Ancient greece Copy Share Image
“Our relationship is like ten turtles marching along, followed by seven beetles, with each carrying one monosyllabic word on its back. You… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When I go to a restaurant and they say, “How many in your party?” and I say, “One,” I feel sad because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A pastor, a politician, and a brick walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.”… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator… — Jarod Kintz Long day Copy Share Image
“If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“Do you even listen to what I say? Would you be able to listen better if you were wearing a football helmet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My armpits smell like a baboon belch, which doesn’t make me want to shower, as you’d imagine, but rather it makes me… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren't for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.” — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about… — Jarod Kintz Thank god Copy Share Image
“I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and… — Jarod Kintz Living room Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick… — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.” — Jarod Kintz Friends Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage… — Jarod Kintz Unfair advantage Copy Share Image
“I think someone should invent an edible remote control, to go along with TV dinners.” — Jarod Kintz Remote control Copy Share Image
“The two lovers were inseparable. Well, I guess death could split them up. So could Ryan Gosling, because she has a thing… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the… — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
