The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. — Dennis Miller Average Copy Share Image
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt… — Dennis Miller Articles Copy Share Image
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If… — Dennis Miller Dead people Copy Share Image
I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song,… — Dennis Miller Bats Copy Share Image
If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago. — Dennis Miller Done Copy Share Image
The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night. — Dennis Miller Football Copy Share Image
With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in… — Dennis Miller Blood Copy Share Image
By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event… — Dennis Miller Classroom Copy Share Image
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel. — Dennis Miller Bob Copy Share Image
Think of Iraq as "East Korea," because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to… — Dennis Miller Bigs Copy Share Image
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and… — Dennis Miller Balloon Copy Share Image
That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO. — Dennis Miller Coverage Copy Share Image
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. — Dennis Miller Checkers Copy Share Image
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins… — Dennis Miller Education Copy Share Image
Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions… — Dennis Miller Alien life Copy Share Image
Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes! — Dennis Miller Concussions Copy Share Image
The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the… — Dennis Miller Enemy Copy Share Image
Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets! — Dennis Miller Delivering Copy Share Image
Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program. — Dennis Miller Democracy Copy Share Image
On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the… — Dennis Miller Airline Copy Share Image
Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them. — Dennis Miller Conservatism Copy Share Image
America was founded by puritans and like it or not the anti-pleasure dogma of those buckled-shoed killjoys still pervades our collective unconscious… — Dennis Miller America Copy Share Image
Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from… — Dennis Miller Alaska Copy Share Image
