If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song,… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes,… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now:… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don't refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this." — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want to keep… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet! — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
