Chelsea Handler Quotes

111 quotes in 1798 categories

• First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone…
• It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly…
• I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those…
• Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
• I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
• Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
• My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities.…
• Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s…
• Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden…
• Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
• A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you…
• Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not…
• Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?
• Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come…
• I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
• In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options…
• I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
• You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
• No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
• It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

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