Chelsea Handler Quotes

111 quotes in 1798 categories

• Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his…
• Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem…
• My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up.…
• I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just…
• Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
• Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for…
• Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone…
• While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I…
• My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and…
• Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you…
• I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why…
• Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs…
• You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
• My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort,…
• I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than…
• Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
• It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
• What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just…
• There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
• I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

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