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All Quotes by Chelsea Handler
- First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone…
- My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities.…
- Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
- Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not…
- Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come…
- I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
- At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then…
- I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
- I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't…
- My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up.…
- Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you…
- You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
- I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
- Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said…
- He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first…
- The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue…
- It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is…
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- . . . a basic law: the more you practice the art of thankfulness, the more you have to be thankful for.… — Norman Vincent Peale
- Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are… — Aristotle
- Whenever my pocket money fall short. I start to think my life sucks. Then I think about all those out there who… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. — Aristotle
- Don't be selfish and tell me why you're unfollowing me so I can retweet it for the rest and we all can… — Nikhil Saluja
- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practice all the things I'd say to tell you… — Superman
- I realize my mistake when I lost you in the crowd. I felt the pain n loneliness when I lost you. U… — Anurag Prakash Ray