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- Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
- Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?
- Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
- Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I…
- My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up.…
- Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for…
- I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than…
- I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
- Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult…
- You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
- I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage…
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