Chelsea Handler Quotes

111 quotes in 1798 categories

• The important thing is to be drunk.
• I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
• There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
• My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for…
• He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days…
• Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
• At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then…
• Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I…
• I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin…
• I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
• I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't…
• Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
• It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
• Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought…
• Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any…
• My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another…
• We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It…
• Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because…
• My father has a high opinion of his opinion
• I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told…

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