Chelsea Handler Quotes

111 quotes in 1798 categories

• ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
• Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said…
• I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
• I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
• I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
• I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
• Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult…
• Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
• I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
• This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so…
• It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
• Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
• I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.
• I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told…
• Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about…
• ...some of the best sex I can barely remember.
• He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first…
• The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue…
• Men dont realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.
• You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

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