"Vomit and feces are two reason I have……" — Chelsea Handler

"Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate."

— Chelsea Handler

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107 Quotes by Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler has 107 quotes on this site. A few more worth reading:

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's…
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to…
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have…
Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator,…
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what…
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing…
Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one…
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a…
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It…
Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that…

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More Comedy Quotes

This quote is filed under Comedy Quotes, one of 2,637 quotes in that category. Here are a few more:

One of my favorite things about 'Star Trek' wasn't just the overt banter but the humor in that show about… — J. J. Abrams
When I was a kid, among the other embarrassing things I would do, and there's a list of stupid things,… — J. J. Abrams
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest. — Rowan Atkinson
Monty Python crowd; half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to… — Rowan Atkinson
Comedy, drama, Westerns, sci-fi... it's all fine if the story's compelling and the character is interesting to me. I do… — Jensen Ackles
Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes if I go and see a really funny comedy, that I wished I… — Stephen Baldwin
The only thing I would unequivocally say is that I have never had any interest in romantic comedy I just… — Christian Bale
I will never say never, but I will say never to doing the more typical romantic comedies. You know, unless… — Christian Bale
In terms of the romantic kind of lead, I just never enjoy those movies very much. Maybe they'll come to… — Christian Bale
I would never say never to returning to comedy. — Eric Bana
By the time I finished comedy, I was really burnt out of it. I had had enough. I don't really… — Eric Bana
I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form. — Roseanne Barr

See all 2,637 Comedy Quotes »