Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
