I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
