Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
