The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I would like to apologize, especially to the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, and also to the Governor and her family… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
About half an hour before air time - that's when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ...… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
