Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
