My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Sallie Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I always say to young people, "Get the hell out of the United States." Especially if you're young, like if you're 21… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I'm completely fascinated by the health-care debate going on in the United States, especially by posters of Obama with a little mustache… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don’t want to get married, it tends to hurt my… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Traveling across the United States, it's easy to see why Americans are often thought of as stupid. At the San Diego Zoo,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
