Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
