When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think it's important to break taboos for the same reason it's important to break laws and rules - because either you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
