Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertaining, but you can't get… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I am a person who feels guilty for crimes I have not committed, or have not committed in years. The police search… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Someone told me something recently about Sarah Palin, someone I trusted in the book business. They said, "I worked with Palin. She… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you," he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Living in a foreign country is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. My understanding was that it… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The difference between writing where you know where to draw the line and writing where you're being way too mean is whether… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she wore her… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
