Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one:… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
