As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
About half an hour before air time - that's when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
