It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
![“George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections.” quote by David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/cdf/david-letterman-378_campaigns_george-w-bush-has-a-new-campaign-slogan_902922.jpg)
