Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
