I've never made up events, but I've always been a big exaggerator. It's written on my humorist license that I'm allowed to… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Dracula rather than… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Traveling across the United States, it's easy to see why Americans are often thought of as stupid. At the San Diego Zoo,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you," he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
A history of listening to Top 40 radio had left me with a ridiculous and clichéd notion of love. I had never… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As I searched the atlas for somewhere to run to, Hugh made a case for his old stomping grounds. His first suggestion… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
People discuss their relationships all the time, but you can't. I don't think people realize how harmful that is, how it twists… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
