I always say to young people, "Get the hell out of the United States." Especially if you're young, like if you're 21… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From the dog owners… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis?… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Back in New York I took full advantage of my status as a native speaker. I ran my mouth to shop clerks… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Though we were forbidden to speak anything but French, the teacher would occasionally use us to practice any of her five fluent… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Now the room has the contours and atmosphere of all rooms in which people stay awake talking. The fluorescent light is grainy,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
