Jokes Quotes · Page 58

I kind of hate Halloween parties. I usually just go for the boos.

— Anonymous

[Writing a joke] there is no team of writers. It's just you in an office, staring at yourself in the mirror.

— Jimmy Fallon

A book does not make bad jokes, drink too much or eat more than you can afford to pay for.

— Kenneth Turan

Water jokes about the obstacles on its way; wise man jokes about the obstacles on his way!

— Mehmet Murat Ildan

“Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!”

— Terry Pratchett

How do people even fucking sleep with night lights? my room needs to be as dark as my soul.

— Anonymous

When I was a child, if someone had talked to me about buying water, I would have thought it was a joke.

— Assata Shakur

Never trust an Italian who don't like pasta as his breakfast.

— Nikhil Saluja

I write in reverse: Rather than come up with a narrative and write jokes for that narrative, I write jokes independently of…

— Jeff Kinney

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can…

— Paul Provenza

The Communists have for decades loudly proclaimed their goal of destroying the bourgeois world, while the West merely smiled at what seemed…

— Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought…

— Robert Collier

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money.…

— Steven Wright

The truth is, my dad was a great driver. I mean, he could handle an automobile. He loved speed. He used to…

— Joe Biden

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do…

— Demetri Martin

I love working on the fly when the writers come up with new jokes on show nights. It's exciting. I love it…

— Allison Janney

A sparrow lay dead on the backseat. She had found her way through a hole in the windscreen, tempted by some seat-sponge…

— Arundhati Roy

I find it incredibly boring when people are mean about some individuals, especially if the individual has no power. I can understand…

— Dylan Moran

I call my backup singers my sister wives. To me, they are my best friends. We are all super close. It's kind…

— Alex Winston

I used to joke that one of the reasons there was a lack of classical work on my CV was because I…

— Bill Nighy

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality…

— George Carlin

There are a lot of comedic actors who are just out to be the funny one and get all the laughs and…

— Jake M. Johnson

Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen has been the Queensland premier the whole time we've been in Australia, and the state is a national joke…

— Nick Earls

As an actor, you can really play the intensity and gravity and seriousness of the moment, and just rely on the circumstances…

— Ed Helms

I can't imagine saying the same joke for three hours. I don't know how that would work.

— Daniela Bobadilla

Teacher: What tense is I am beautiful in? Student: Its surely the past tense.

— Curly

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions

— Criss Jami

English had hit upon a splendid joke. The intended to catch me or to bring me down.

— Manfred von Richthofen

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

— Joan Rivers

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

— Daniel Tosh

Most interesting line written on the front of T-shirt of a girl, . . . . . . . Excuse me ! My face is above.;-)

— Anonymous

There was laughter in the back of the theater, leading to the belief that someone was telling jokes back there.

— George S. Kaufman

My Lord told me a joke. And seeing Him laugh has done more for me than any scripture I will ever read.

— Meister Eckhart

Ain't singing for Pepsi, ain't singing for Coke, I don't sing for nobody, makes me look like a joke.

— Neil Young

Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

— Jay Leno

Even if it's a white crowd, I tell my jokes for the four black people in the room, not the 100 whites.

— Gary Owen

I wonder what Soulja Boy ate for breakfast today...YOOOOUUUUUUUUU , Soulja Boy is a cannibal.

— Ramandeep Singh

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives a women wild? No... it's a $100 bill.

— Anonymous

But today, I feel the genuine warmth, the affection, and although I may joke about it, I am touched.

— Perry Como

“We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana